Wonder Woman 2011 WTF

Now I've seen a lot of obscure nonsense in my day. Some were bad and some were more or less entertaining. When I found out that they were going to reboot Wonder Woman, I was kinda excited. I remember watching a few episodes featuring Lynda Cater and I've practically seen every episode of Justice League and Justice League Unlimited when Cartoon Network wasn't much of a sellout. There was even a direct to DVD animated movie that I also liked. The thought of an empowered woman that can kick ass, but has the sense of humility I find that intriguing. Wonder Woman, out of the Trinity which consist of Batman and Superman is surprisingly the most grounded. She's hard, beautiful, able to land the perfect woop ass, but is able to say with a straight face “it's for the good of mankind,” All of that went down the shitter in the supposed pilot of the reboot series.

Wonder Woman starring Adrianne Palicki, Elizabeth Hurley, Tracie Thoms, Justin Bruening, and Robin Hood as Diana's male assistant. Now note that this series head writer and wrote the pilot was David E. Kelly.......Yes, Ally McBeal David E Kelly. And he also done a lot of court shows.......WHHAAAAAAT!!!! What the fuck network? This guy probably hasn't even read a Wonder Woman comic book, seen an episode of the Carter series, or Justice League. Well it shows!!! Okay, let me pull myself. Collect myself. Because its just wrong what they've done here.

We open up with a young man being excepted to college and once the cheers were done, he started to bleed from the eyes and the mouth. Kinda what I felt like later. The next scene we see a skinhead bastard running through a crowded street in I want to say Los Angles. And he's being chased by Wonder Woman played by Adrianne Palicki. And I must say, although there was a big controversy about her costume. I really liked it. Other then her boobies were oversized, it worked.....Well, she chased skinhead dude, subdued him and took a sample of his blood and was intercepted by cops. Wonder Woman doesn't like cops especially these toys. So she turns over the punk over to them and walks away with a cheering crowd.....Right. She then takes a miniature jet fighter which looks like one of those bug ships from the mini-series Frank Herbert's Dune and lands it on top of a corporate building of Themyscira Industries. Where she is welcome by her assistance Etta played by Tracie Thoms and Henry played by Cary Elwes..........Wonder Woman is CEO of this fictional corporation!?!?!?! Okay, David E Kelly must of saw Iron Man, took the whole premise of Tony Stark coming out to the world and revealing that he's Iron Man mixed it up with Wonder Women and hope to shit that it worked. NO IT FUCKING DIDN'T!!! Wonder Woman doesn't need to vanity herself or make herself the face of a company. She's a PRINCESS...well a very humble princess. She left the amazonian(Heaven if you're a sick bastard like me) society that is Themyscira to live in 'man's' world. To blend in to see how we live , in what she only heard of in stories where she came from. The whole purpose of Wonder Woman is how can a superhuman woman live in a civilization of an complete opposite of an utopian society. Holy mother of God this is bad. She even has her own toyline!!! And she bitch about that in a board meeting about the breast size was too damn big...Well honey, you do have some big ones. The only thing I give this in some respect is the separation of Wonder Woman-CEO, company face, and Superhero to the meek and Diana Prince( just her wearing glasses. Hmmm, that sounds familiar) she's only that when she's outside the company. She goes to her apartment with her cat watching The Notebook. Yes, ladies and gentlemen David E Kelly made her a total chick.

Well it turns out that Veronica Cale played by Elizabeth 'I need a paycheck really bad' Hurley who is head of a pharmaceutical firm which is really a cover for making super soldiers. Okay Mister, you called out Iron Man and now mixing in Captain America....I don't want to continue but I must. Wonder Woman found out that the guy from the beginning and the skinhead are connected and she wants to take them down, so Cale send off a group of beefcakes to take down Wonder Woman. I was saying to myself “she eats niggas like them for breakfast,” and she delivered the smackdown with wires(literally) and brought Cale to justice. And the episode ends with Diana going back to her apartment sitting next to her cat with a beer looking at the news of her latest exploits.

Final thoughts about Wonder Woman. They needed a better writer, not a guy who has done nothing but court dramas. A character like Wonder Woman you need somebody that understands the character inside and out. Wonder Woman doesn't need to be a company face, a CEO, an action figure. How is she going to be part of 'man's' world and we see her as a God-like figure that's part of a corporation. We would fear the bitch to be honest. I enjoyed Palicki's performance as Princess Diana, she's hot, look incredible in the costume, and able to throw a punch. She didn't do a bad job as the title role but was given a bad script. I would like to see her again playing Wonder Woman in a proper reboot, tv movie , or possibly THE MOVIE. Unlike another comic book going to the small screen that was cancel before it's time of a given chance Mercy Reef aka Aquaman, this version of Wonder Woman was rightfully so should be cancel. It disrespects the whole origin of the material and ultimate bad writing. For something I've been excited for I was highly disappointed. Total fail!!!!

TRANSFORMERS SEASON 3 FINALLY ON THE HUB!!!!!!!!

Some sons of bitches had the same idea that I had and made several complaints at the channel called Hub of not doing the G1 Transformer series any justice. Meaning that they've shown the original two of the four seasons. WHICH THEY OWN THE RIGHTS!!! WTF. Just yesterday morning they FINALLY showed the season 3 miniseries and one of my personal favorite of the series The Five Faces of Darkness which introduced new characters like Rodimus Prime, Cyclonus, Ultra Magnus, Arcee, Springer, Kup, and my favorite crazy motherfucker--Lord Galvatron. So what Optimus Prime is dead and I KNOW thats the reason why they didn't want of show season 3 because Optimus is "dead" for the most part till the season finale two partter The Return of Optimus Prime. As you can tell I love season three of the Transformers, it was really really good science fiction. and it was dark and at times serious. Like in one episode, which I think is part of the FFOD that Rodimus had to disconnect himself to find an answer to a problem. another episode that Optimus comes back as a zombie and does some carzy shit. my favorite episode has to be Webworld, when the Decepticons got tired of getting the crap beaten out of them by Galvatron they all decided that he should be institutionalized. So Cyclonus the second in command tricked Galvatron to go with him to a planet with specialized in dealing with mental issues. I'm not going to spoil it watch it on YouTube or wait for it to come on the Hub. Lets just say after all the destruction that Galvatron has caused he said, "Look at this Cyclonus, this is beauty,"......WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THIS!?!?!?! This purple and grey robot with a orange cannon is a HARD NIGGA. I love that bastard. So watch the show on saturday mornings. 

Pet Sematary Remake....WHY

Yeah just heard from my boss, who also happens to be a Stephen King fanatic tells me that they're going to remake Pet Sematary. I personally am all for remakes but Stephen King remakes. Unless they're going to be faithful to the book, WHY? And George Clooney is going to be involve. Well he fucked up Batman for about 10 years until Christopher Nolan and the great Christian Bale(who I said to myself after watching American Psycho years ago, if they're going to bring back Batman he's the one) threw the J.S films down the shitter to give us the great Batman films since the one with a black Harvey Dent. and they already remade two of Kings books turned to film. Salam's Lot and Carrie. Salam's Lot was more accurate to the book while Carrie was also accurate(although I saw Carrie as a plus size girl then Skeletor) but DIDN'T DO THE HIGH SCHOOL MASSACRE RIGHT!!!!  She ran outside after having Piglet's blood poured on her. looked through the gym doors and burned the school and laughing while she was doing it. THE BITCH WENT NUTS!!!! not into a stoned faced zombie. So is a Pet Sematary remake a good idea. If they stay within the source material, then maybe. I have to read the book first though.
 

The Howling Reborn Review

The Howling Reborn starring Lindsay Shaw, Ivana Milicevic, and Declan from Degrassi as a American or Canadian teenage werewolf.

The Howling is one of those horror franchises in which the first movie started out really strong and the rest of the movies TOTALLY went downhill. Allow me to shortly summarize each film.

The Howling-The second greatest werewolf movie ever made( the first being An American Werewolf in London btw)

The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf-The downward spiral begins under the pale pale light of the moon.

The Howling III: The Marsupials-Kangaroo werewolves of the Outback rated PG-13 !?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?

The Howling IV:The Original Nightmare-A retelling of the 1^st movie with somewhat facts from the book.

The Howling V: Rebirth-A Scooby-Doo Mystery with LOTS of snow.

The Howling VI: The Freaks-Before Edward and Jacob there was Harker and Ian.

The Howling:The New Moon-A complete piece of shit.

And now the Howling Reborn....When I first heard about somebody doing another Howling movie, I had mixed emotions. After seeing most of movies a number of times, I thought would it bring back the horrific triumph from the first movie or turn into what I make in the bathroom after I had some beans. Kinda both actually.

The movie starts off with a pregnant woman talking on a cell phone about her unborn child. And all the time she was being followed by a growling stranger. She then enters into an art studio to do some paintings only to be killed by a werewolf....Who also done a Si-Section. And at it's mother corpse, the baby's fist popped out from mommy's oven.

Now we're fast forward 18 years later where we meet Will Kidman played by Landon Liboiron and his lush commentary of life. Only to slowly to discover that he might be a werewolf. Oh my. It's the day before his high school graduation, he gets invited to this party by his love interest played by Lindsay Shaw. Will goes to this party which is located under the high school grounds which used to be a church. And now it's a church with a very high security system. In this party he meets three beefed up guys who gives him a ruffie. As Will starts to dance with his girlfriend, the effect of the ruffie kicks in and starts to see very wild shit. He starts to see werewolves. Well technically shadows of a werewolf. He freaks out and leaves the party only to be chased by a werewolf. We only get to see some running action we don't get to see the actual beast yet, which is a downer. But I guess they were trying to build up the suspense. But as Will escapes through a manhole, we see a small glimpse of the werewolf it look like a computer generated mess. My hopes for this movie began to sink.

After a while night, Will begins to feel weird. His eyesight starts to get better, he gets stronger, and more confident. And this alarms him!?!?! He goes to the doctors who diagnosed him as being overly stressed. Then calls his best friend who happens to be a horror movie buff and tells him that he might be a werewolf and ask him if there's anything he can do to stop it. Hmm, this sounds oddly familiar . His friend thinks he bullshitting him and starts to prove himself by using a scalpel to slid his wrist and heal himself knowing that all werewolves can only die by silver, fire, or by another wolf. So after he finally decides to slid his wrist, he panics only to finds out that the wound healed. OMG I'm a werewolf.

Lets talk about Will's dad for a second. An old guy, yes. Still mourning over the death of his wife and reminisce about her as his son's birthday present, absolutely. Takes home a mysterious female stranger that he meets at the hospital lobby which they both had a few drinks and decides to da da da DOWN, go Daddy. Then we get a scene in which we get Will in a library with his girlfriend getting to it and Daddy with his lady friend doing the same. It was then we found out that Daddy's date is not what she seems. It's revealed that she's.....his dead wife turned into a werewolf and now she wants Will. After the tease in the library, Mommy shows up and revealed herself to Will. And those three underwear models from the party earlier, she owns them. I could see how she kept herself fit for 18 years. She wants Will to join her and her pack with some cartoonish explanation of ruling mankind. So Will is like “fuck you, bitch,” and jumped out of the window with his girlfriend to briefly escape from the pack. The girlfriend was surprised that Will survived the fall and revealed to her that he's a dog.

Did I mention that there high school has automatic locking doors and window shutters? WHAT SCHOOL HAS THIS TYPE OF SECURITY!!!!!!! Like the engineers were prepping for a terrorist attack or some shit. What city is this? Why make a church in to a fucking school with a security system that would make Cobra Commander proud? Well as the two lovers try to escape, the school begins to lockdown. Now they're stuck. What do they do? They go to the chem lab, made themselves some makeshift flame throwers and about to go John Rambo on these wolves. So they back to the schools underground and not only dead bodies and the pack, but Will's dad chained up. After refusing to join her the second time, Mommy kills Daddy in front of Will. Using the flame thrower to separate himself and the wolves Will and his girlfriend went back up to the school and it was here when we start seeing the wolves full on. And Jesus Christ they look like the goblins from the Lord of the Rings trilogy with hair on there arms and legs. This makes the makeup from The Howling VI look appealing. And the amidst of having werewolves all around them what I found out really fucked up about this is that girlfriend wants to fuck Will. You're in a building with bloodthirsty creatures, and you want to get some dick. I believe in dying happy. But there's a difference between dying happy and dying really stupid. But it turns out that she also want to become a werewolf to even the odds. During there somewhat sex, Will scratch her leaving her claw marks on her back. Mission accomplished. After killing off the three wolf duds, Will faces off with his mother. And there makeup is somewhat better. They look more like wolves then goblins. And after knocking each other through walls, Will turns back to normal with his mom still a wolf glaring down at him. He was saved by his girlfriend in wolf form holding his mother's beating heart. He convinced her to find her humanity so she can change back to normal, which she does. The movie ends with Will's homemade video of him turning into a werewolf going viral worldwide, giving a nod to the end of the 1^st movie.

Final thoughts: the killings were cheap, the pace was too fast, the wolf make up was horrible on the exception of Will, Mommy, and girlfriend's, we don't really see any werewolves until the very end, and lots of growling. Every time there's a black/white scene there's a growling. Hell, this movie should be title The Growling Reborn. It's cheap, tasteless, not scary, and dull. I expected more for a potential reboot to a series in which the first film is a cult classic. A highly not recommend. See the first one instead and stay away from the others.

Twilight....Fuck You

Ever since Buffy The Vampire Slayer debuted in the mid-90s, the vampire phenomenon was on a all time high. Literally turning the classical look and feel of a nocturnal creature into a fucking wild beast. And in 2008, the vampire crazed was revamped again to what I call, "A Raping of the Entire Genre," Yes, I'm going to speak a bit about the bastard that is Twilight. Based on the novel of the same name by Stephanie Mayer, it tells the story of a teenage girl named Bella Swan who moves in with her dad in a town called Forks and develops an obsessive relationship for one of her new classmates by the name of Edward Cullen who happens to be a vampire. Knowing that I've read the book before seeing this monstrosity, a vampire attending high school wasn't really a big deal to me nor a being out in sunlight. But when Edward was forced to reveal himself to what he is to Bella and "showed" himself to her. That's when I have a problem. Being a vampire know it all that I am, I know damn well unless you're a master vampire, when sunlight hits you, you're crispy not a fucking disco ball. Apparently these vampires skin have the same likeness as diamonds and can only be killed by ripping them to shreds and burn them. When I read the book, I thought the concept was interesting and far fetched. But, actually seeing it on screen totally change my view making me wonder. If Bram Stoker was still alive, he would of killed Mayer. For taking all the good qualities of a vampire and flushed them down the toilet.Where's his swagger? Where's his compelling dark nature of a predator? Edward Cullen displays none of these things if he does it's barely. Most of the time he keeps himself distant even when he's starts having a relationship with Bella he's very distant and more of a douchebag. Need I say that this guy verbally puts this girl down. Always thinks to her as a stupid, clumsy brad9which she was in some parts). I always wait for him to say, "Bella, I love you....And you look fat," This guy is a total asshole. Then comes Jacob Black, who is a werewolf(technically he's a shapeshifter which is revealed later that there were werewolves , but they're all dead) He's Native American that belongs of a tribe of other werewolves. He was Bella's friend since they were kids and didn't take it likely when she started seeing Edward who knows that he's a vampire. Which brings up another problem I have. Bella Swan is the most dumbest bitch since Lois Lane couldn't find out obviously that Clark Kent is Superman. Jacob offered Bella warmth while Edward offered her eternity(and skin feeling like an ice cube). Any normal girl would have gone with Jacob. He represents a woman's perfect dream. His body is ripped, a perfect smile, is capable of fucking her real good, and turns to a really big dog to cuddle against. But no, she choose douchebag. But later on in the series(yes this is a series), Jacob gets in the family by being the future husband of Bella and Edward half-human daughter! Giving a whole new notion of the phrase "I loved you since the day you were born" And I also read the last book Breaking Dawn, and all I can say is it's a hot mess.

Final thoughts, Twilight has only done one thing: getting teenage girls to read. And what they're reading is complete nonsense. And it's teaching young girls that it is ok for a man to treat you badly, if he looks hot. And ignore the one person who absolutely truly love you. I thought Harry Potter was bad for it's kiddie sorcery crap which all changed starting after The Goblet of Fire. Twilight is bad, I don't consider these vampires as vampires. Just diamond blood demons. Since Twilight, vampires has become a fucking joke. Which all changed recently with a remake of one of the great horror films in the 80's Fright Night, that vampires were predatory seductive killers again.

Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad Rant

Ok, I was going through Hulu right and for some reason I wanted to see an episode of Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors. But Hulu didn't have it but another site similar had some episode so I went to the site and I was like "wow" it had Starcom, Jayce, and a little show called Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad. Holy Shit, I thought I haven't seen this show in years! This site was fucked up because it didn't have all the episodes. So I clicked on a random one and as I started watching it a thought came into my mind: This is fucking Ultraman in a computer!

For those who don't know who or what Ultraman is. Ultraman one of the great properties of Japan that started the whole super-sized good guy fighting monsters gig. This was pre-Power Rangers as it debuted in 1966, and till this day still making a whole lot of money making toys, shows, and movie which the current one Ultraman Zero: The Movie is out. And I must say it's quite good. But back to the point, Superhuman Samurai Syber(Christ are they trying to be hip with the title changing the c in Cyber to an S?)Squad is Ultraman in a computer. Servo the superhuman samurai looks actually like a variant of Ultraman and has his fighting style and powers. Then I found out later 2 things one, that it was produced by Tsuburaya Productions(The same people that did and still are doing Ultraman and I am shocked that they were involved in this monstrosity)and Andy Heyward who is producer/chairman/CEO of DiC(pronounced deek not dick)Entertainment. DiC are responsible for much of the shows from the 80's. Hell they practically own our childhood. They're the makers of: The Real Ghostbusters, Care Bears, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, Dennis the Menace, The Littles, Heathcliff, Dinosaucers, Starcom, Captain N and the Game Master, Super Mario Bros. and.........The New Adventures of He-Man(a whole other can of worms I will bring up in the future, lets say they ass-raped the most powerful man in the universe) You want the whole list go to IMDB.com, it's quite a bit.Would I recommend this show, unless you like Matthew Lawrence's(Joey's younger brother) early work then fuck no. This show is kiddie crap weak and if Servo would go against Ultraman Zero, Zero would own his ass.  

Taylor Swift's Stage Malfunction

Apparently there's a video going around the web of Taylor Swift having a dress malfunction on stage during one of her concerts. A brush of wind went under her dress and the front row got a special show, but that's not the kicker ladies and gentlemen. She didn't show her tities, pussy, or ass(well it does involved her butt). She wore GRANNY PANTIES!!!. PADDED GRANNY PANTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!!!! Bitch should be ashamed of herself come the fuck on. White girls if you ever want a big ass EAT!!!!!!!!! In case some guy comes up to you looking at your ass and in his mind he's like "I'm going to play with that ass tonight" End up going to her place for some coffee and biscuits takes off her panties, turns out she ain't got no ass and she wore that padded shit to fool a motherfucker who's probably going to jack off at some porn site or those bra infomercials. I also found out that Pippa Middleton ass is also padded. I had fantasies about you bitch! Fooling the world with your fake ass. You just wanted the spotlight because you're sister is going to be Queen of England someday. Point to this story is people granny panties are bad, but padded granny panties are EVIL!!!

New Spider-Man Rant

Ok, I just read this article about the "Passing of the Mantle" or the "Changing of the Guard" of Spider-Man. Nothing wrong with that unless you want to count that he's biracial. Meet Mile Morelas, Ladies and Gentlemen who is half black and half latino(a good combination if you ask me, a bit of fire and a bit of FU) he's taken Peter Parker's place as your neighborhood friendly Spider-Man. But don't freight, Peter Parker is still alive in the Ultimate Universe this is just the standard universe or Earth 1 Spidey we're talking about. Now this has generated ALOT of concern to the loyal comic book fans of Marvel. Basically saying that Peter Parker is and forever will be Spider-Man, this is coming from whites, blacks, and....biracials. Personally I feel kinda mix: 1 Peter Parker IS Spider-Man 2 I'm all for ethnic superheroes, I feel like there's not enough of them. Having a biracial Spider-Man taking center stage who may open doors for more ethnic superheroes to come out of the woodwork. Hell, they made me question there choice to play Susan Storm in the Fantastic 4 movie with Jessica Alba(who is Latino) playing the role and Chris Evens(Cap) as Johnny her brother. Either mommy was sleeping or daddy's been fucking. IDK! Just don't get too carried away Marvel.

Rambo-The Animated Series.....WTF!!!!

 1982 brought us one of the great action/survivor movies of all time, First Blood starring Sylvester Stallone as bad ass green beret John Rambo. After the release of the sequel, Rambo: First Blood Part II. Animation company Ruby-Spears who create such classics like Alvin and the Chipmunks, Thundarr the Barbarian, Mister T, and The Centurions thought that they can popularize the acclaim success of the movies in the realm of children's programming..WTF?!?! Have these guys seen the movies? They're fuckin' violent. And the character of John Rambo is TRAGIC!! Let me sum up the first movie for ya. He comes home, see's a friend but find out that he died months ago, had a disagreement with the local authorities that ended up harassing him, Rambo kills them all woodland style, almost destroys the town, calms down and cries in front of his superior, gets arrested end of story. And they made this into a fuckin cartoon for kids. Well, shall we begin.

  The series was called Rambo: The Force of Freedom. You can find a few episodes on YouTube, but today I'm just going to talk about the first episode entitled First Strike. The episode starts off by an invasion in a fictional Latin American village called Terra Libre lead my General Warhawk who is the main baddie and his band of security guard rejects. They come in tanks blazing, burning down houses, knocking people on there asses. Very intense shit for a kiddie show. This brings interest to the United States and we like to be involved in EEEEVERYTHING and they send in Rambo to bring down the terrorist army. When we get introduce to our main character, we see Rambo lying on a book with a book over his face. I hope that the book was entitled War and Peace, because this is bullshit. Rambo wouldn't be lying on a boat with a book over his face. Rambo would be in the woods covered in leaves, be on top of a tree branch armed with his knife, landing on a deer gutting the poor bastard. but no a helicopter woke his ass up telling him "Your Country Needs You!" And this is the same country that when he went ape-shit he ends up arrested. LOL :) Then we meet up with Rambo partner Turbo a Formula 1 driver, mechanic, and the token black guy. I know this shit is totally fantasy. THERE NO NIGGAS IN NASCAR OR FORMULA 1 in that matter. When we drive we don't drive in fuckin circles. When we drive we're gone! Plus, it's one of the few only sports the White Man has left. And then there's the master of disguise named Cat. They might as well called her Pussy cuz that's what she was the Token Pussy. The looks on the guys faces were predicable. Turbo was like "nigga, I got next,"

So they all went down to Terra Libre and go to down on the bad guys, and this is where this show shows it's colors on how stupid it is. Rambo single handily takes out some guys with rifles and didn't take there weapons. Bull----Shit!!! Rambo would've taken out his knife spattered the guy's guts on the ground takes his rifle and shots the other guy. And then Rambo takes a tank and starts to play chicken with another tank. This is where they got an idea for a action sequence for Rambo III. Rambo 1 tank 0.  So after taking out more bad guys and a lot of shit talking. The only way to stop General Warhawk is to destroy a bridge with a tank. God these people love tanks. Warpath from Transformers would be proud. I don't know who played Rambo in this, but his voice sounds retarded. They should've had Sly do this after all it's his character. And every time General Trougton says  Rambo it's like Raaambo which sounds kinda silly. Even the movie theme is in this by Jerry Goldsmith. That's the one good thing about this show.

And after all of that crap, there was also a toyline. Like most shows from the 80s, 30min toy commercials. That's what this was. Would I recommend this for someone? If they're a fan of Rambo from the films, fuck no. But if you want a small piece of nostalgia you can stomach a few episodes. View at your own risk. But hopefully there won't be nothing like this again. Taking a really good movie with a very good story and some animation company want to kiddie grade it. I WAS WRONG!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_tRjuiObl4

Toddler's and Tiaras Rant

I can see why Joel Mchale disses the show Toddler's and Tiaras on The Soup.The show is ridiculous, the poor little girls look inhuman like Hedi Montag  Frankenstain monster inhuman. They look totally wrong. Why does this show show the swimsuit part? Hell why do pageants for little girls even have a swimsuit part. WTF America? This is porn for a pedophile!! I hate to predict the future for these girls but somebody gotta give the wake up call.

1. Stripper Pole
2. Sexually Damaged
3. Emotionally Damaged(Daddy Issues mostly)
4.Kidnapped or Missing
5.Closet Bitch
6.Queen Bitch
7.Dead Bitch
8.Possibly Future Miss America

And I see a Mom of a contestant and this little bitch want to yell at her Mom and slap her. Mom don't want to do nothing about it thinks it's a phase. Phase my big ass, her little ass be on the floor if she want to act ugly. That's some ol' bullshit, like this show. This show is fucking stupid. WHY?? Let your kids be kids not parading them looking like Bratz dolls and end up on the 6 o clock news and two weeks later being chopped to pieces inside a black hefty bag. Not saying that kiddie pageants are wrong but some people have to draw the line of what's appropriate and what's not. At the end of the day it boils down to two things: Pride and Money.  

The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy(2005) Review

What book in the history of the universe is more important then the Encyclopedia of Britannica and more cheaper then the volume of books based upon philosophical theories of the existence of God? The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy of course. Starring Martin Freeman, Mos Def, Sam Rockwell, Zooey Deschanel, and the voice of Alan Rickman as the most pathetic robot to be put on the big screen. Based upon the widely acclaimed book by Douglas Adams, it's one big satire of science fiction and religion. I would put this between the Holy Bible and Stephen King's Salem's Lot. The book is that good and I recommend those who are reading this review to go read the book. Know that this is the second attempt that the book has been put on the screen, which the first version aired in the UK in 1981. It's ok, but it's 1981 visual effects were at it's infancy so it's very very cheesy. But will this review fare better then it's predecessor? Don't Panic, we're about to find out.

As most good movies we start off with a musical number which doubles as a warning from dolphins  which was misinterpreted as a triple back-flip through a hula-hoop among vast spectators at SeaWorld. The warning was simple, "Your world is about to be destroyed. We're sorry. But, thanks for all the fish," Then we get introduced to our main character Arthur Dent played by Freeman as our narrator simply describes him as "This is a Man," Who's house is about to be demolished so that the local government could build a expressway or freeway if you're American. Then we meet Authur's bff, Ford Prefect played by Mos Def who happens to be an alien from the Beetle-juice Galaxy. He takes Arthur to a pub or bar if you're American and tells him to drink as much beer as possible and that the Earth is about to be destroyed. And Arthur's like "you're bullshitting,"  So after consuming beer and nuts the two leave the bar with one of the patrons asking:

"Is the world going to end?"
"Yes," Ford answered.
"Should we put bags over our head or something?"
"If you want,"
"Would it help?"
Stands by the door and thought for a quick moment. "No," That shit is hilarious putting bag over your heads won't do jack shit.

Then all of these lego blocks start to cover the entire planet and we see a giant mouth saying that they apologize for the inconvenience, but our planet was under demolition order 50 years prior and if we had any issues to visit our local galactic magistrate. I didn't know we had one, DID YOU?  So Arthur and Ford hitchhike on one of the lego block ships to skip the destruction of Earth. Now this is where the fun begins.

It turns out that the lego ships belong to the Vogons, big green slimy aliens that have no creativity(there poetry sucks), wear business suits, and must sign off on everything! Got to use hyperspeed to pursuit the target, sign. Release a prisoner, sign. I really need to take a piss, SIGN!! And there shock-troopers look like gimps, which makes me question if there not creative per say in public may be in private. Where they secretly experiment with S&M. Hell, they're aliens it may be something completly different for them. After being interrogated and thrust out of an airlock, Arthur and Ford get picked up by Zephod and Trillia( love interest to Arthur and who doesn't know that her own planet was gone)  played by Rockwell and Deschanel. As they embark on a quest to find the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question, and to do this they must go to a far away planet to speak to Deep Thought.

Out of this rag-tag crew only two stand alone with there wise-crack corniness and it's sad input on life: The Ship's Computer and Marvin the Robot. The Ship's Computer sounded like a game show host and Marvin who is so sad and depress makes me want to give him a hug, pat him on his head, and hand him a 12 gauge. Both when the computer talks and Marvin on screen, I have a blast.

Although some scenes may be a bit slow and tasteless at times, it's a overall good,funny, and entertaining film. I recommend this film to anybody. Nothing good on cable, pop this in dvd player. If you're a geek and your girlfriend or boyfriend is a geek, you won't be disappointed. Hell, you might get some. I would also note that Douglas Adams wrote some episodes for Doctor Who in the Tom Baker(the Fourth Doctor) era. Even part of writing The Five Doctors miniseries. So if you're into the boy in the blue box, check it out. But most importantly, read the book! I just hope that they do Starship Titanic someday another good DA book too and sequel to HGG. Well that's all for now, till next time. So long, and thanks for all the fish.   

 

Long Live Amy Winehouse!!!

Yesterday the music industry lost one of its great talents, Amy Winehouse. I personally don't listen to her music, but one of her songs has always been stuck in my head which was the single "Rehab". Every time her name pops up "Rehab" would play in my head. She always brings a sense of soul mixed with jazz, and this coming from a white Brit she's earned her ghetto stripes. Did I mention that she was a beautiful woman(other then her misshapen forehead), she had perfect looking boobs. And Russell Band u were a lucky bastard. Although she had deep emotional problems and other issues, I hope she's in peace and that she'll live forever in her music. My prayers are with her friends and family.

Weeds Review

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Epic Meal Time

Yesterday I discover this series on Youtube about a group of guys from Canada that create some monterous shit that makes a fat bastard like myself afraid. And its called Epic Meal Time. Thank You Mike 'The Birdman' Dodd from This Week Geek for introducing to me that i'm not entirely crazy when it comes to food these guys take it to the next level. Here's an example. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZaNUZDTi44&feature=feedu

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Review

Welcome to my first review ladies and gentlemen of a classic film. You may like it or you may hate it. But whatever the case may be, it's you're choice. And in the words of Mike Nelson when he and his crew riffed the disaster that is Batman and Robin. I will start by saying: "I am George Clooney, and I am sorry,"

 1984 brought us The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai: Across the Eighth Dimension. Starring Peter Weller, John Lithgow, Christopher Llyod, Ellen Barkin, and Jeff Goldblum as himself. Now the 1980s brought us some wild, zany, bizarre, and yet entertaining shit. Buckaroo Banzai is no comparison. The movie starts out with a scroll introduction on who Buckaroo Banzai is, a son of a Japanese father and an American mother. Who obviously believes in the old saying "I got all the time in the world" cuz he a neurosurgeon, rock star, and an old fashion gunslinger. AND HE'S PLAYED BY ROBOCOP!?!?! come the fuck on ya'll they couldn't find an asian guy who could play an asian guy? Well this was again the 1980s and most asian actors were either playing stereotypical parts like playing ninjas or training white boys to wax on and wax off .

 Moving on to the actual movie it starts off with the prep of the Jet-car or Jet-truck however you look at it. And everybody is in a bunker awaiting Buckaroo's arrival and by everybody I mean the military and Buckaroo's team/band mates The Hong Kong Cavilers! Ok, this guy is Japanese right? So why is his band named after a Chinese city? I don't fuckin know. And his band mates have really funny yet catchy names like Rawhide, Reno, and Perfect Tommy(or King Douchebag as I call him in this). As they all wait, Buckaroo was performing brain surgery with New Jersey played by Jeff Goldblum and they just talked about wires on the brain are similar to wires on a bomb. Buckaroo fixes the problem and took some pictures while asking Jersey if he wants to join his team. How could he refuse.  Minutes later we see Banzai wearing black flight gear approaching the Jet-Car, and this is where everything starts to go north. Buckaroo starts the car and rockets trough the desert testing ground like a bat out of hell. But unknown to the military Buckaroo and his team built in little something extra in the car, an ocelliation overthruster, which enables an object to go through another. In this case, the Jet-Car goes through a mountain. While he was in the mountain, Buckaroo saw some weird shit! Blue thunderclouds, moving structures, and a naked alien. If anybody wants to experience this, take some LSD.

 Buckaroo's little stunt in the desert caught the attention of mental institution patient and villain of this fine tale, Dr Emilio Lizardo/Lord John Whorfin played by John Lithgow who did a very good job in this role. With help of a device that he inserts in his tong we find out that in the 1930s Lizardo and Buckaroo's friend Professor Hikita built a similar OT but instead of a car going though a mountain, Lizardo's head got stuck a wall. And this is where Lizardo became Lord John Whorfin. Still with me on this. Ok.

 Now we're back in present day, and a few hours have passed and the Hong Kong Cavilers have a gig to play at a club in NJ. This is where we get introduce to the love interest, Penny Priddy played by Ellen Barkin who looks extremely hot in this. Makes me want to build a time machine hitch back in time and bang her.......Well during the band's performance, she's tries to off herself which got her arrested and Buckaroo later bails her out because she told him a sad story of her life and she looks like his dead wife. While at the same time, John Whorfin escapes the mental institution in search for the OT. In a press conference Buckaroo tells the press what he experience while going through the mountain and also what he found from the mountain. Some moving blob inside a jar of it's own piss, the thing looked nasty. And then Buckaroo was interrupted by a phone call by the President, dude takes a call, which the phone shocks him. And it turns out that it wasn't the president but a group of black frog looking aliens waring grey suits in a ship that looks like a seashell. After writing information onto his palm, Buckaroo and team rushed back to the conference room where he sees two red frog looking aliens in the crowd. Fight breaks out, Reno got shot in the arm,the Professor gets kidnapped, and a motorcycle chase with the best music cue ever.

 Now during Buckaroo's rescue attempt to save the Professor. Team Banzai goes back to there penthouse HQ and figure out where these aliens came from. And they connected a company called Yoyodine to the War of the Worlds broadcast from the 30s and guys with the first name of John assuming to be aliens. Check these names John Yaya, John Small Berries, and John Bigboote.  Later they soon receive something in a big pink box by one of those black grey suited aliens taking a form of a Bob Marley impersonator. And when Buckaroo comes back with the Professor, the pink box had a holographic message personally to Buckaroo with a black woman with the name....can you guess it? JOHN! John Emdall to be exact played by the great Rosalind Cash, and she tells Buckaroo that John Whorfin plans to steal the OT so that he can get his friends out of the Eighth Dimension and conquers the universe . And if Buckaroo allows the OT to get stolen. the black Lectroids(the good guys) as they are called would use a particle beam weapon on Russia thinking that it was from the US prompting a first strike. Great, what do we have so far: a white guy that playing a half asian guy, a car or truck going through a mountain, a mental escapee who's really an alien, a suicidal love interest, so many guys and gals with the name of John that can fill up a Red Light District, white guys that are red aliens and black guys that are black aliens with fly grey suits, and blackmailing alien bitch. This movie should be called New Jersey: The Movie.

 Now to the finish, the OT gets stolen by John Bigboote and John O'Connell and they also kidnapped Penny. So Buckaroo, a black lectroid name John Parker, and his gang goes down to Yoyodine and kick some ass. Which lead up to the climatic battle between Buckaroo and Whorfin in the skies with one big alien shell ship against a small shell ship. Small ship destroys big ship, Buckaroo saves the day gets the girl, and everything is jolly good.

 In conclusion, I love this movie for one reason: THE SCORE! It was composed by Micheal Boddicker, did some stuff with Micheal Jackson in the early years. The music was straight up righteous. Especially the closing sequence when cast were walking in a street. Besides from the music, this was a cluster fuck of a movie having so many things going at it at once. Like the main character himself. It has likeable characters both good and bad like John Bigboote played by Christopher Lloyd who reminds me a lot of Starscream from Transformers G1 and Whorfin always get his name wrong by calling him Bigbooty. And later flicks him off when Whorfin called him weak. Which cracks me up every time. To me it's a guilty pleasure that never gets old. Would I recommend this film? Depending on who's asking I would. But if you're looking for something that you want to turn off your brain and want action and aliens, got for it. Would I like to see this remade? FUCK NO! Leave BB alone! Although, there was a comic book series that was the sequel to the movie called Return of the Screw. It was not bad. Now I leave with a gift of music from BB and my fav scene from the entire movie. Goodbye.